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So I would say to the traumatized person: yes, work on your trauma, but do it for yourself, not because you think others will like you better if you do.
Essentially, according to the theory, the stability of all relationships are the result of each individual making decisions about the following: So, we form relationships with people who give as much to us as we give to them (ratio), treat us in accordance with our expectations (satisfaction), and are our best alternatives at the time and place (dependence).
However, if you cannot reach the goal, then you either need to abandon it, or change. But, what I was speaking to above was "value" not "values". Within that area, "value" refers to something akin to others' perceptions of one's own self-worth. Thus, I was not discussing "values" above - our own guiding preferences or rules.
Rather, I had the idea of "value" in mind in the pick-up sense. Sometimes I have a challenge in juggling three different "languages", as my readers speak a mix of plain English, "Academic", and "Pick-up".
Based on Social Exchange Theory, here is the general advice I give for successful and satisfying dating and relating.1) Figure out what you want - It all starts with you. They get so wrapped up in "finding love" or "pleasing others" that they forget to figure out what they want out of the deal. A general idea of what you would like from a partner is best. Make it a good deal on both ends.4) Know your dating market (what "they" want) - Here is where you take into consideration what your potential partners might want. Especially when the relationship is fair, satisfying, and the best alternative for both you and them. Do you need to give a little more to get who you really want? Do you need to try a different dating group, time, location to find someone to connect with? Eventually, you will find a connection (or several) that works. .let me clarify something about the post of mine that you mention. White's message is that figuring out what you want in a relationship is more important for a successful love life than guessing about what others want." I wasn't downplaying trying to figure out what other people want from a relationship--which is very important, I agree--but rather trying to figure out what other people want you to be. So, I chopped "a successful love life" out, just to be on the safe side. Being true to yourself..also finding someone who wants who you are too.
But, you don't have to be so vague and guess about all men, women, etc. So, search for the people who match that and find out what they want. However, if you don't like your options, then it is time to rethink the steps above. We can put the age-old dating debate to rest - BOTH what you want and what they want matters. For instance, I wish people wouldn't think about "do women [or men] want me to be welathy, or funny, or sexy, or outgoing, etc." and then trying to be that person instead of being their authentic selves. White's message is that figuring out what you want in a relationship (and being authentic to who you are) is more important for a successful love life than guessing about what others want you to be (and trying to fit those expectations). With the right person, dating is both a satisfying exchange - and an authentic one. For example, if one is more on the pessimistic side is it okay to allow yourself to be that way or is one supposed to become an optimist?