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Sometimes I think to myself, “Surely there’s another girl that would put up with this better than I am,” or, “There’s definitely someone else that would make him happier.” Lately, I feel like we’re not propping each other up as much as we used to. For the most part, we have similar interests, and even more importantly, we both want to be in the same place in the next few years, which can be iffy at this age. Which I guess is why there’s time for me to wonder from a place of curiosity rather than dissatisfaction. I think bottling up feelings can cause resentment to snowball, or drive people to do something horrendous, like cheat.We’re not really bringing the best person out of each other. But then we’ll have a half-hour laugh session and I’ll forget about it. I want to be honest about how I feel and I want to know how he feels.It was probably in my mid-20s when that feeling of missing out peaked, but it still returns every once in a while.I’ve brought it up with him actually, and even with his friends, numerous times — just checking to see if he feels the same way.It doesn’t make me panic or want to leave — it just sort of sits quietly in the back of my mind.
It might work for some people, but it wouldn’t work for me. I think because a lot of my wondering, that “feeling,” comes from a place of curiosity, not negativity.
To be honest, because I was going through a depression, I wasn’t fully ready to let go at that time.
I’m not sure how he felt — I’ve never spoken to him about it — but we made it through somehow.
In a lot of the stories we publish, whether in the magazine or on the blog, I see the same pattern: The wedding is more important than the marriage. For so many couples, it’s the “logical next step,” but I don’t really buy that.
I do sometimes wonder, though, if he doesn’t want to marry me because secretly he wants to keep it open, just in case. I don’t want to read into it too much, because there are a bunch of different reasons why we don’t want to get married right now. We make each other laugh a lot and we’re really well-suited. What got us out of the last bout of this was honesty.